Word Vomit 3

Editors note:

The purpose of these blog posts is to showcase peoples journey towards building their dreams. If you want to submit something, email us. These posts show the mindsets, the struggles both good and bad. You never know where life takes you, what matters most is that you get at it and put that effort forwards to growing. This is the latest entry from Monica, and what shes working on this year goal wise to grow. BUILD YOUR DREAMS

"We are allowed to make many mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys our lives" -Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

Happy New Years fellow humans. Has anyone else noticed that the concept of a "New Years Resolution" went from a healthy personal exercise to the butt of many societal jokes? My resolution for the past two years was to live a more organized life. In a sense gain control of my clutter, baggage and chaos. Im sure anyone looking from a thousand yards away could see that that did not happen. Oddly enough it spiraled into deeper disarray. Imagine thousands of items of clothing and cosmetic, hypothetical plans marked on a calendar (because I never use my calendar app like I should and half of my plans fall through), and tasks on a to-do list backed up for years floating in an imaginary tornado with me sitting in the center wondering if I should reach my hand out and try to get one and if I do is it going to sever my fucking fingers because life just can NOT make anything easy for me right now. Sorry, got carried away there. 

There is something from all of that that I want to focus on which is time management. In my adult life I have never understood the concept of being "bored". This is different than like "omg I'm sooo bored at work" or "this function is boring". I'm saying when I hear people constantly gripe about how bored they are, its a concept I cannot relate to. First of all there are too many memes on  the internets to be bored. But outside of that, I constantly have a list of things I need to do so backed up that if I committed to it I wouldn't see anyone for months. And then after that list there are things that I wish I had more leisure time to put towards, like reading more, mobility exercises, cooking the list goes on. So I think, "how can anyone be that bored?". And I realize, maybe I have  horrible time management skills, and that puts me in this emotional quicksand that I have not yet gained control of. One thing about time management is the regularity of your sleep. I keep seeing all these case studies about the correlation between inconsistent sleep patterns and dementia or early Alzheimer's. Not going to lie, after 3+ months of grave shift and sleep deprivation I'm starting to forget where and who I am. Today, in one of my first full afternoons home in days, I should have plopped straight down and slept. Instead, Im looking at a massive pile of laundry on the floor. Oh wait, there's two massive piles. Bags thrown everywhere, shoes, floors that need cleaning. Shit my mattress doesn't have a top sheet on it right now. I have chores out the ass right now, but when my mind started racing the first thing I thought was to write this nonsense. 

A couple years ago, I was pouring myself into an emotional bottomless pit, like I would never hit the end…. just perpetual drainage. After finding the strength to walk away, I had this somewhat morbid thought about how I was going to feel about this on my deathbed. Or if I died tomorrow, what would be my perspective on everything that happened. That thought alone sent me on a roller coaster of emotions that I can't even justify with these words. I felt robbed,  felt mad at myself, irresponsible, immature. I thought about all of the different things I could have done and been with that time. All that time feeling sad, focusing on elements that I didn't control, taking from myself to feed another's ego. Getting through all of that and wishing I could take that time back, when something gets to me emotionally, I ask myself "Is this going to cross your mind at the end of your life, are you going to give a shit about this on your final days? Or is it a blip in your radar?" Is this pile of laundry going to haunt me for a day or two, or my whole life. Chances are these small things are temporary and will not be the thing you regret on your dying days. But what you will regret is not allocating your time towards something that could feed your soul. Your hobby, your business, writing down some dumbass thoughts because your mind won't shut the fuck up… you know therapeutic things (again sorry carried away). 

So when I think about NEW YEARS and RESOLUTIONS (caps because its my theme of this word vomit), I think about this concept that's been haunting me… living a more organized life. And I wonder if this is just a case of "the grass is always greener". Not just for me but for everyone aspiring for a tighter tummy or a new car. What makes happiness? Maybe we won't know until we are dying. Maybe I need to embrace the blessings. Be thankful for the emotion, the chaos, the strength in being broken down. And on that note Happy New Years, I wish you all your own personal paradise, health and prosperity.

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